Overcoming Trials

Since before I can remember, I have struggled with acne. The affects of having it have left me with outer imperfections and inner feelings of self doubt and low self esteem.
Last spring I had the opportunity to go to a dermatologist in search of a remedy for this source of sadness. I skipped all the treatments that would have temporal success and went for the sure cure...ACCUTANE.
After two months of taking this magical medicine, my face was looking fabulous, however, I started experiencing dizzy spells. They were not enough to make me want to stop, simply a side affect I could live with to reach the final results accutane could offer.
When I mentioned these symptoms to my doctor, they decided to take me off the accutane to see if that was the cause. I was crushed! All I wanted was to have clear beautiful skin, and my only chance was taken away from me. As the days passed by, my dizzy spells got worse, and were accompanied by head aches and nausea. They became more frequent and more severe.
Throughout the span of 3 months I was unable to carry out my day to day activities that became a norm for me. I used to run 4 miles every day, now I can barely walk around our neighborhood. I used to love cleaning and did it every day. I used to cook dinner every night. Most importantly, I was unable to be Peyson's mommy, play mate, buddy, and friend. I was not able to support Derek with school or even spend time with him. The only thing I knew I could accomplish in a day was laying on the couch and trying to sleep.
Unfortunately, all the details of holding a home together fell on my poor Derek. He had to wake up every morning, go to school, study all day long, come home, put on the role of mother and house wife. He cooked, he cleaned. He took care of Peyson the entire time he was home, as well as a sick wife that was beyond helpless. He put Peyson to bed every night, only to turn around and go back to school to study more. It is unimaginable the stress he was feeling of taking on the mommy and daddy and student roles each day. But never did I hear a word of complaint. He took on all responsibility and did it willingly with an understanding heart. Derek was amazing.
After multiple doctors visits and multiple hopefuls for what was wrong with me had failed, I was referred to a neurologist. That day, I was diagnosed with pseudo tumor cerebri. I had to have an MRI to confirm the diagnosis. I was put on a diuretic to treat this condition. I saw immediate improvement, but that improvement only confirmed how bad my symptoms were before...they were still keeping me from achieving anything in a days time.
At first I was hopeful and excited for a cure to arrive. I had big dreams of what I would do when I "had my life back". Excitement soon faded and turned into a pity party. That got old and then came denial. I thought maybe if I pretended nothing was wrong with me, it would simply go away. That became exhausting, then came another pity party. I discovered that another friend had the same condition and was suffering more than what I had experienced. I was thankful I did not have to experience the extremes of the pseudo tumor that she experienced. My spirits were lifted when there was somebody that understood what I was going through.
I decided that this was something I needed to go through, and there was something I needed to learn from this trial. So I changed my attitude. I knew that I was not going to feel better any time soon. No matter what I did, I was still going to be sick. So I was not going to let this control my life. I started doing things each day to keep me busy. If I didn't have to think about it, I could forget about it. I looked through a positive view instead. Each day is a conscious effort, but each day I have a choice. I can let it control me, or I can control myself. Most days I keep a positive outlook, some days I let it get to me. It is a never ending cycle I have to overcome.
While I still have more to learn, hrough this experience I have learned to be grateful for the Plan of Salvation. We get the opportunity to enjoy good times and experience hard times. But we get to know the difference through personal trials life gives us. I am grateful for the Atonement. I know that I don't have to suffer this alone, for somebody already has for me. I am grateful for the service I have been given through the kind hearts of others.
I am hopeful for the day I can enjoy a days work without hurting. In the mean time, I am grateful for the challenge. But more grateful for the growth I can gain from the trial I have been given.