Reflections

Today we went to church. Just as we always do on a Sunday morning. But today was different. Derek went to do rounds at the hospital...and ended up staying all day...those babies come...even on Sunday. So it was me and my two cuties, who acted angelic, thankfully! Thankful not just because I was there alone and didn't need a freak out with no help from daddy, but because for some reason I was able to really pay attention to the speakers and their message, their faith, and example. Four teenagers sharing messages of the Atonement and striving for perfection. Music from the Young Women touched my spirit and brought tears to my eyes. I really needed that today.

It has been a long time since church did that for me. With rushing out the door, trying to keep Peyson quiet, deflecting his begging for snacks, keeping him distracted till after the sacrament, trying to teach reverence, shushing him when needed, taking Ainslee to the mother's lounge to nurse, waiting for a break in the program to re-enter just in time for the closing song and prayer, then off to Nursery for Peyson and Sunday School for us, then juggling baby and scriptures then just scriptures then just baby, Relief Society and hushed chatter before it begins, wishing I would have taken time to prepare during the week for the lesson so in between a fussy, pukey, smiley baby I could get something, anything, from the Spirit provided during the presentation of lots of preparation by the teacher, there is too much distraction and too little strength gained from the blessings of gathering as saints to worship a merciful God. But today I was strengthened.

The Sunday School lesson was on the Publicans and Pharisees. One thing lingers--while the two groups of people were sinners in their own respect, the Pharisees were a people of public worship, intentions only for the perception of them by the people, a means of control through religion. The Publicans were a people of tax collecting for Rome, Jews, traitors in a sense, yet knowing that only through Christ could they become better. I had to stop and think...where am I? How am I judging? Am I accepting others for their pure and simple good, or am I trying to find flaws as if I were any better? Am I turning to Christ to make me better?

As the transition from Sunday School to Relief Society began I was asked to read a quote during the lesson. I read through it and was immediately filled with memories of one of the hardest times in my life. It said:
* Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. ... It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire." ---Elder Kent F. Richards

It has been two years since my first dizzy spell. Two years since the start of the most dark and painful year I have ever had to endure. Yet two years since some of the most amazing opportunities to learn from growing closer to the Savior.

It all stems from what I had to learn. What I needed to learn. I had a very vain desire to be pretty. To never have to look in the mirror and see ugly. I had zits and I wanted them gone. I had the opportunity to see a dermatologist, to clear my acne for good. The only thing I ever wanted to change about myself turned into a change I needed for myself, but I just didn't know it. What I believed others must think of me because of how I looked, became how I saw myself. And how I saw myself was how I started, or maybe always had, viewed others. Instead of looking past the outer appearances and searching for what was real inside, I only saw what is obvious to any first glance and missed out on a lot of amazing qualities only a pure love can see.

All too soon, the medicine that was supposed to cure all my problems became my worst enemy. My body reacted badly and I developed a health condition that left me completely debilitated for nearly a year. I had to stop treatment and because I wasn't on it long enough, it didn't work. I have very little memory of what happened during those long, hard, painful months. I know that my one year old had to be his own best friend and was secluded to the living room while mommy lay helpless on the couch with massive headaches that wouldn't go away. I know that my husband who was in his second year of medical school, which isn't easy by the way, had to be student, husband, daddy, mommy, homemaker and caregiver all at once. I know that I couldn't stand without getting horribly dizzy. I know that driving was necessary, but should not have been allowed. I know that nothing was making it better! And so I thought...what am I to learn from this?

A blessing for me was another girl who unfortunately went through the exact same trial. And from her experiences I learned how to make it through. And along the way, she became someone very important to me, someone who understood the crazy happening inside my head, someone who could help me get through because she did, someone who cared about what I was going through...a complete stranger turned into a very dear friend. I remember asking her one day...how did you do it? How did you get through every...single...day...with this chronic pain...with a one year old...with a medical student...with very little ability to have a normal life...a normal day? Her answer was simple. Her answer was obvious. Read the scriptures. Every day! Turn to Christ. Let him help you heal.

And so I began. I read the scriptures. And reading turned to searching. Searching turned to praying. Praying turned to the Spirit. The Spirit turned to a pure love. A pure love turned to healing. A pure love is what I needed. A pure love opened my eyes to EVERYBODY around me. I no longer saw the outer appearances that are so harshly judged every day. I saw the good. The good that everybody has. The good that is never reached when we are too busy judging. The good that everybody should be able to know about everybody. That included myself. It is really easy to say that what we look like doesn't matter. It is very hard to accept that. But oh how true it is. We can't love when we judge. Not others, not ourselves.

As I thought about the things I had learned from this trial I couldn't help but notice that since my condition has left me, that pure love has been slipping away as well. I have reflected a lot on the amazing change that happened within me. It was so huge for me...how could I let it go? Why have I been letting judgements seep into my soul? Then another comment was made. We should write it down. Record our gratitude, revisit our trials as well as the blessings that came from those trials. Because like manna, it doesn't seem to last.

My acne is back. And I hate it. But maybe if I can look past those spots in the mirror, I can look through the stupid hard hearted thoughts that run through my mind of others. If I can love myself as Christ loves me, I can love others as Christ does. And the pain that I went through, and the pain that Christ went through for me will heal my heart once again.

Just Some Stuff

Look at this girl. Isn't she beautiful? Love her! We all do:)

This is her blessing day. Grandma Swenson made her beautiful dress. It was perfect! Exactly how I asked her to make it.

Peyson is a really good big brother. Really good! He can't give enough kisses and hugs. He cried when she got shots:) Very protective...he tells people not to look at his baby sister. He is constantly asking to hold her...and asking even more to take pictures of her.

And sometimes I let him shoot. He's really good. Take a look.

He asks to take pictures of me too...but it's not very often that I look anything close to picture worthy...it's kinda sad when you fix your hair just because and your 3 year old asks if we are going to church. When you say no, he says...why are you fixing your hair? Oh gall. I promised myself I would never let myself go...what happened to that? Hmph.

Girls are sooooo fun! Hair bows. Frilly outfits. Makes me giddy:) Ainslee is 2 months. Big smiles. So happy all the time.

She really likes to watch tv. A lot. One day I laid her down so I could eat breakfast. Peyson joined her and eventually got in her way. She wasn't having it...she was squawkin at him to get out of her way.

Daddy and Ainslee having a chat. It was really cute. She loves him. They hang every night at bed time. Then she falls asleep.

And Peyson is just really cute. He is starting to imitate things we do...and he hangs out with me all day...

The other day Derek was heading to surgery, wearing his scrubs. Peyson said to him, "daddy you get to stay home today?" Daddy wears his scrubs at home a lot. Never to work...he always has to dress up. Sweet boy. Every day he says to me, "mommy, I miss my daddy." I love that they are buddies.

Share Your Story

One day last week, my beautiful little pretty's and I were having a nap. Ainslee woke up ready to eat and Peyson stayed asleep. In the quiet afternoon I had the world at my fingertips. I could watch a movie...a big kid movie...nothing animated:) Or I could get on the computer. Or I could clean. But instead I chose to open the Ensign and be filled with the Spirit. It was inspired I think. As I read through the pages there was a general theme. Infertility and adoption. I only have a taste of what this trial brings to ones life. It took us a year and a half to get pregnant with Peyson. It was heartbreaking...but nothing...I am sure...compared to the reality of never being able to experience bringing a child into this world...with the one person you love more than life itself.

As I read the experiences of those trials it let me reflect on my own life and my own trials. I have been thinking for some time about telling someone, anyone about what I am really feeling, what I am really going through. But the words of wisdom they shared pushed me to share. A man named Curtis said,

"Share your story; you'll find that others will often open up after that."

Postpartum Depression.

I have it.

Or at least I did...until I got treated for it. I expected that bringing home a new baby to a life that had been ours with a 3 year old would be hard. I was prepared as much as I could be for that change. But it's one of those things you can't fully prepare for, and you don't really know how it will be until you are knee deep into it. No amount of preparation could have made me ready for what we would experience.

While I was in the hospital after delivering Ainslee, my heart longed for my little Peyson. He was not allowed to come visit because of flu season and RSV. I chose to go home after day one. Ainslee was in the NICU and I couldn't do anything for her whether I was at the hospital or not. I needed my baby boy and he needed me.

Then we all got to come home. We had Uncle Skyler staying with us to be Peyson's play buddy. The first week was so busy with doctors appointments and oxygen and blood draws and more testing. All focus was on little Ainslee and her struggles. Mommy got stressed out. Peyson was without mommy's full attention. Life was changed forever.

Then Skyler had to go home and it was just us... We still had doctor's appointments and more testing. I was exhausted from the new sleepless schedule of caring for a newborn. Peyson was searching for attention and started getting it by making messes and having accidents. I got super frustrated and started turning into...well...a monster. On one hand I was in full baby mode. She was gorgeous and absolutely perfect. On the other hand, Peyson was naughty and everything he did was so annoying. On the few occasions I had time to play with him I didn't want to. It sounds so awful but I just did not like him. I was so messed up. One day after too much yelling, and crying, I asked my mom...did you ever not love your big kid when you brought the baby home? During our conversation I came to the conclusion that this was more than being tired, more than the stresses of a sick newborn, more than frustrations of a 3 year old reverting backwards, more than just the baby blues, and not just me being an awful person. I had depression and I needed to see a doctor.

The appointment was made. The medicine was prescribed. And although it wouldn't start working for a couple of weeks, I had peace of mind. I was being taken care of. I would be better. And so I was. I could smile and laugh again. I could see the perfect in my little boy. I could see how easy it was to love him again. And I could scoop him up in my arms and hold him forever and never let go.

A man named Dave said,

"Sometimes we get caught up in the one-size-fits-all mentality, and we feel that our lives should look like other people's lives. But that's really not true. Everyone has different trials, and Heavenly Father is aware of those. If we are humble enough to follow the plan He has for us, we'll be happy."

Everybody I am around always seems so happy. Nobody talks about what they are really going through. The answer to the question-how are you?-is always-good...how are you? It's never a real answer. So why am I the only one hurting? Feeling alone and lonely? Of course I am not. Everybody has struggles. Why do we try to pretend life is so darn perfect? Why do we try to fit into that one-size-fits-all?

One of my very good friends came to visit just 3 weeks after Ainslee was born. She came not expecting hospitality or to be the typical guest. She came to show love...to serve me. She offered to clean my house...but of course I made sure that was done before she got here. She watched Peyson while I slept in. She made dinner. She held my baby when Peyson needed attention. She made me laugh...hard...and lots. After she left I was thinking...if I had friends...real friends here to talk with, laugh with, cry with, it wouldn't be so hard. Her visit was pure therapy!

Trials ARE our greatest blessings. Aren't they? We are BLESSED with trials to help us learn, to help us grow. And that is exactly what has happened to me. Of course I love my sweet little Peyson. Of course he is a challenge...and often. But with my experience with postpartum depression, I have learned the absolute need to love him BETTER. To be the kind of mother who deserves the love he gives, because he gives it whether I deserve it or not.

Alma 26:27 says, "Go...bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success." While I need the aid of an antidepressant, I have been given steps of success. And after my need for medicine is gone, I will still have to work daily(with patience) to remember to love BETTER. My family deserves that. I deserve that. I deserve to be happy. And my Heavenly Father will bless me with that after all I can do.