Reflections

Today we went to church. Just as we always do on a Sunday morning. But today was different. Derek went to do rounds at the hospital...and ended up staying all day...those babies come...even on Sunday. So it was me and my two cuties, who acted angelic, thankfully! Thankful not just because I was there alone and didn't need a freak out with no help from daddy, but because for some reason I was able to really pay attention to the speakers and their message, their faith, and example. Four teenagers sharing messages of the Atonement and striving for perfection. Music from the Young Women touched my spirit and brought tears to my eyes. I really needed that today.

It has been a long time since church did that for me. With rushing out the door, trying to keep Peyson quiet, deflecting his begging for snacks, keeping him distracted till after the sacrament, trying to teach reverence, shushing him when needed, taking Ainslee to the mother's lounge to nurse, waiting for a break in the program to re-enter just in time for the closing song and prayer, then off to Nursery for Peyson and Sunday School for us, then juggling baby and scriptures then just scriptures then just baby, Relief Society and hushed chatter before it begins, wishing I would have taken time to prepare during the week for the lesson so in between a fussy, pukey, smiley baby I could get something, anything, from the Spirit provided during the presentation of lots of preparation by the teacher, there is too much distraction and too little strength gained from the blessings of gathering as saints to worship a merciful God. But today I was strengthened.

The Sunday School lesson was on the Publicans and Pharisees. One thing lingers--while the two groups of people were sinners in their own respect, the Pharisees were a people of public worship, intentions only for the perception of them by the people, a means of control through religion. The Publicans were a people of tax collecting for Rome, Jews, traitors in a sense, yet knowing that only through Christ could they become better. I had to stop and think...where am I? How am I judging? Am I accepting others for their pure and simple good, or am I trying to find flaws as if I were any better? Am I turning to Christ to make me better?

As the transition from Sunday School to Relief Society began I was asked to read a quote during the lesson. I read through it and was immediately filled with memories of one of the hardest times in my life. It said:
* Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. ... It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire." ---Elder Kent F. Richards

It has been two years since my first dizzy spell. Two years since the start of the most dark and painful year I have ever had to endure. Yet two years since some of the most amazing opportunities to learn from growing closer to the Savior.

It all stems from what I had to learn. What I needed to learn. I had a very vain desire to be pretty. To never have to look in the mirror and see ugly. I had zits and I wanted them gone. I had the opportunity to see a dermatologist, to clear my acne for good. The only thing I ever wanted to change about myself turned into a change I needed for myself, but I just didn't know it. What I believed others must think of me because of how I looked, became how I saw myself. And how I saw myself was how I started, or maybe always had, viewed others. Instead of looking past the outer appearances and searching for what was real inside, I only saw what is obvious to any first glance and missed out on a lot of amazing qualities only a pure love can see.

All too soon, the medicine that was supposed to cure all my problems became my worst enemy. My body reacted badly and I developed a health condition that left me completely debilitated for nearly a year. I had to stop treatment and because I wasn't on it long enough, it didn't work. I have very little memory of what happened during those long, hard, painful months. I know that my one year old had to be his own best friend and was secluded to the living room while mommy lay helpless on the couch with massive headaches that wouldn't go away. I know that my husband who was in his second year of medical school, which isn't easy by the way, had to be student, husband, daddy, mommy, homemaker and caregiver all at once. I know that I couldn't stand without getting horribly dizzy. I know that driving was necessary, but should not have been allowed. I know that nothing was making it better! And so I thought...what am I to learn from this?

A blessing for me was another girl who unfortunately went through the exact same trial. And from her experiences I learned how to make it through. And along the way, she became someone very important to me, someone who understood the crazy happening inside my head, someone who could help me get through because she did, someone who cared about what I was going through...a complete stranger turned into a very dear friend. I remember asking her one day...how did you do it? How did you get through every...single...day...with this chronic pain...with a one year old...with a medical student...with very little ability to have a normal life...a normal day? Her answer was simple. Her answer was obvious. Read the scriptures. Every day! Turn to Christ. Let him help you heal.

And so I began. I read the scriptures. And reading turned to searching. Searching turned to praying. Praying turned to the Spirit. The Spirit turned to a pure love. A pure love turned to healing. A pure love is what I needed. A pure love opened my eyes to EVERYBODY around me. I no longer saw the outer appearances that are so harshly judged every day. I saw the good. The good that everybody has. The good that is never reached when we are too busy judging. The good that everybody should be able to know about everybody. That included myself. It is really easy to say that what we look like doesn't matter. It is very hard to accept that. But oh how true it is. We can't love when we judge. Not others, not ourselves.

As I thought about the things I had learned from this trial I couldn't help but notice that since my condition has left me, that pure love has been slipping away as well. I have reflected a lot on the amazing change that happened within me. It was so huge for me...how could I let it go? Why have I been letting judgements seep into my soul? Then another comment was made. We should write it down. Record our gratitude, revisit our trials as well as the blessings that came from those trials. Because like manna, it doesn't seem to last.

My acne is back. And I hate it. But maybe if I can look past those spots in the mirror, I can look through the stupid hard hearted thoughts that run through my mind of others. If I can love myself as Christ loves me, I can love others as Christ does. And the pain that I went through, and the pain that Christ went through for me will heal my heart once again.