Share Your Story

One day last week, my beautiful little pretty's and I were having a nap. Ainslee woke up ready to eat and Peyson stayed asleep. In the quiet afternoon I had the world at my fingertips. I could watch a movie...a big kid movie...nothing animated:) Or I could get on the computer. Or I could clean. But instead I chose to open the Ensign and be filled with the Spirit. It was inspired I think. As I read through the pages there was a general theme. Infertility and adoption. I only have a taste of what this trial brings to ones life. It took us a year and a half to get pregnant with Peyson. It was heartbreaking...but nothing...I am sure...compared to the reality of never being able to experience bringing a child into this world...with the one person you love more than life itself.

As I read the experiences of those trials it let me reflect on my own life and my own trials. I have been thinking for some time about telling someone, anyone about what I am really feeling, what I am really going through. But the words of wisdom they shared pushed me to share. A man named Curtis said,

"Share your story; you'll find that others will often open up after that."

Postpartum Depression.

I have it.

Or at least I did...until I got treated for it. I expected that bringing home a new baby to a life that had been ours with a 3 year old would be hard. I was prepared as much as I could be for that change. But it's one of those things you can't fully prepare for, and you don't really know how it will be until you are knee deep into it. No amount of preparation could have made me ready for what we would experience.

While I was in the hospital after delivering Ainslee, my heart longed for my little Peyson. He was not allowed to come visit because of flu season and RSV. I chose to go home after day one. Ainslee was in the NICU and I couldn't do anything for her whether I was at the hospital or not. I needed my baby boy and he needed me.

Then we all got to come home. We had Uncle Skyler staying with us to be Peyson's play buddy. The first week was so busy with doctors appointments and oxygen and blood draws and more testing. All focus was on little Ainslee and her struggles. Mommy got stressed out. Peyson was without mommy's full attention. Life was changed forever.

Then Skyler had to go home and it was just us... We still had doctor's appointments and more testing. I was exhausted from the new sleepless schedule of caring for a newborn. Peyson was searching for attention and started getting it by making messes and having accidents. I got super frustrated and started turning into...well...a monster. On one hand I was in full baby mode. She was gorgeous and absolutely perfect. On the other hand, Peyson was naughty and everything he did was so annoying. On the few occasions I had time to play with him I didn't want to. It sounds so awful but I just did not like him. I was so messed up. One day after too much yelling, and crying, I asked my mom...did you ever not love your big kid when you brought the baby home? During our conversation I came to the conclusion that this was more than being tired, more than the stresses of a sick newborn, more than frustrations of a 3 year old reverting backwards, more than just the baby blues, and not just me being an awful person. I had depression and I needed to see a doctor.

The appointment was made. The medicine was prescribed. And although it wouldn't start working for a couple of weeks, I had peace of mind. I was being taken care of. I would be better. And so I was. I could smile and laugh again. I could see the perfect in my little boy. I could see how easy it was to love him again. And I could scoop him up in my arms and hold him forever and never let go.

A man named Dave said,

"Sometimes we get caught up in the one-size-fits-all mentality, and we feel that our lives should look like other people's lives. But that's really not true. Everyone has different trials, and Heavenly Father is aware of those. If we are humble enough to follow the plan He has for us, we'll be happy."

Everybody I am around always seems so happy. Nobody talks about what they are really going through. The answer to the question-how are you?-is always-good...how are you? It's never a real answer. So why am I the only one hurting? Feeling alone and lonely? Of course I am not. Everybody has struggles. Why do we try to pretend life is so darn perfect? Why do we try to fit into that one-size-fits-all?

One of my very good friends came to visit just 3 weeks after Ainslee was born. She came not expecting hospitality or to be the typical guest. She came to show love...to serve me. She offered to clean my house...but of course I made sure that was done before she got here. She watched Peyson while I slept in. She made dinner. She held my baby when Peyson needed attention. She made me laugh...hard...and lots. After she left I was thinking...if I had friends...real friends here to talk with, laugh with, cry with, it wouldn't be so hard. Her visit was pure therapy!

Trials ARE our greatest blessings. Aren't they? We are BLESSED with trials to help us learn, to help us grow. And that is exactly what has happened to me. Of course I love my sweet little Peyson. Of course he is a challenge...and often. But with my experience with postpartum depression, I have learned the absolute need to love him BETTER. To be the kind of mother who deserves the love he gives, because he gives it whether I deserve it or not.

Alma 26:27 says, "Go...bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success." While I need the aid of an antidepressant, I have been given steps of success. And after my need for medicine is gone, I will still have to work daily(with patience) to remember to love BETTER. My family deserves that. I deserve that. I deserve to be happy. And my Heavenly Father will bless me with that after all I can do.