Thoughts of a Pregnant Mother

It's obvious I'm not the first person to be pregnant with baby number 2. So it must mean that I'm not the first to have these thoughts...worries...wonders.
I've now been on both sides of the experience. Trying and trying to get pregnant, no success, seeing others around me where it seems like everybody is pregnant or has a baby, all the pain and sadness of not getting to experience that for myself, anger and fits, giving up completely, not caring if I ever have a baby at all, finally conceiving. Then not really trying at all, in fact, hardly seeing my husband during the "prime time" and all of a sudden, after two months off birth control taking a positive test. I think I'm still in a little shock. Really? Ok.

The day before I found out I was pregnant was an awful day. By far the worst ever. Peyson and I just couldn't get on the same page. I don't even remember why it was such a bad day, just that it was. I remember laying in bed that night sobbing, believing I must be the worst mom in the world. Derek stayed up with me and we talked for a long time about what happened. When the day was finally over, I felt like I didn't want to have anymore kids ever. I've learned about myself that I don't have the patience I want to be a mom. And it seems I am always working at patience, but always failing.

The night was very restless. So I got up to go to the bathroom and decided to take the test. It was positive. Hmm. I just left it on the counter, feeling nothing really. Just wanting to go back to sleep. That didn't happen. Here is where my mind started spinning faster than capacity could allow.

*when am i due?
*boy or girl?
*peyson-how will he adjust to a new baby?
*how will i share all my time?
*where will i put the crib?
*how should i tell everybody?
*ug...morning sickness
*need new clothes
*how to pick a doctor
*what will we name it?
*already? that happened fast!
*life is so easy right now...I'll have to start over
*why is it so hot in here?
*man i need to sleep
*I've rolled over a thousand times already and its only been an hour???
*I'm still awake?
*why is it called morning sickness if it lasts all day?
*i don't want to puke...
*maybe there's two in there
*i wonder how big it is
*how will i know i am done?
*am i done after this?
*are there more?
*do I really have to do this again?
*why do women do this?
*why do women keep doing this?

These thoughts haven't stopped since that test went positive. How do women stay sane when it comes to children, and mothering, and the whole process?

I'm not crazy...just being honest...

I wonder about the capacity to love another child as much as I love peyson. I wonder how I will give enough love and time to each child like they are the only one. It is clear I think way too much. I may not understand now, and I don't need to understand yet. But I know I will soon understand. And my abilities will multiply and my worries will subside.