D.O.N.E Done!

I learned how to sew in the 7th grade. I loved it! I did double the amount of projects that were required without getting extra credit just because I wanted to. I bought a little mini surger some time after that. I sewed and sewed until I ran out of thread and didn't know how to re-thread it. When I was in high school I decided to make a quilt for my Young Womens project. First I drew a collage of all the values on a white piece of clothe. Then I painted it. Then with lots of help from my mom, we (mostly she) hand quilted every line of that thing. Lets just say I was done with sewing of any sort for a very long time.

When we lived in Kirksville there were a bazillion crafty sewers that made such cute things. It wasn't until the spring before we moved away that I found interest in sewing again. I also found a really cute craft blog that had a lot of fun stuff I wanted to make. I thought it would be handy for hemming and quick fixes too, so I bought a sewing machine. It sat on a chair in my kitchen until we moved. Then it sat down in the basement until just about 3 weeks ago when I stopped being lazy and indecisive and just made a quilt.

A really cool girl I know has a really cute blog. I found inspiration there. See, when I found out I was pregnant I wanted to make a puff quilt like this one...but you have to have a special foot for your machine that costs at least $30, and it takes a lot of fabric, and I don't have a handy fabric cutter thingy so it would have taken me forever! So when I saw this I fell in love. I had direction and quite an easy project that was very do-able.

One day I went into JoAnn Fabric and all I could do was look. It was way too overwhelming and I had Peyson. Enough said. But after I saw the blanket I wanted to make I was determined. One night I got on the JoAnn website and found some fabric I really liked. But only one piece. So I went back to JoAnns and wouldn't you know...the fabric was there. So I picked it up and started finding other cute patterns that went perfect with it. Here is what I came up with... The top piece was the starter fabric. The others practically jumped off the shelf. I let the lady cutting the fabric do all the math because my brain couldn't figure it out. (did you know you are supposed to pick a number to get your fabric cut? :)figured that out when I didn't have the number she called out...she cut for me anyway)

I got home and went to work. I cut and cut and cut. Then I pinned and pinned and pinned. When I was ready to sew I got out that machine that was dieing to be used. I learned how to thread it and how to wind the bobbin and off I went. At first I was thrilled that I set up the sewing machine without my moms help. Then I was giddy with the progress. Then I had some weird loose loopy sewing going on(turns out I was going too fast). Then I was determined to show that stupid thing I was smarter than it was. After 3 hours sitting and sewing, I realized my back was cramped beyond repair. It was well after midnight and Derek was at the hospital delivering babies. I got in the shower hoping that would relax my back. But it didn't. So I thought my super comfy bed would do the trick. Not so much. Scalding with a hot pad? NO! 3 extra strength Tylenol...umm...nope. If anybody knows me, they would know that I have no tolerance for pain. So what do I do when anything hurts? I cry...like a baby...uncontrollably...like that will fix everything. Can you believe that it didn't? Me neither. I texted Derek to see if there was anything else I could do...he said push liquids. That is no quick fix. So I had a drink of water:) and got back in the shower...only hot water...very hot water. I massaged my back where I could reach until my skin felt bruised. By then I suppose the Tylenol started working. I got back in bed and cried some more till I fell asleep.

After that I limited myself to an hour a night so that wouldn't happen again. I only sewed when Derek was on call or studying. Last night I finished sewing and turned on Hulu while I snipped the edges. It's done and I am in love! What do you think?
I only broke one needle, bent two pins, ran out of bobbin 3 times, took apart one whole row to attain perfection, and poked myself a hand full of times. I can't wait to meet the little baby girl that will be using this cool cool super cute masterpiece!

A Blanket of White

Tonight we drove home from our Thanksgiving weekend. We left after dark and it was snowing a little before we left. The roads were mostly fine most of the way, but Logan Canyon was a little iffy. No big deal, we just took it slow. Peyson fell asleep so it was just me and Derek talking as the snow fell peacefully. The walls of the canyon were covered in blankets of perfect white. The headlights on bright brought out the sparkle. We saw deer crossing the road. We saw one car that slid off the side of the road. And we saw a moose. The road was quiet. It was perfect. I was glad it took an extra long time to get through the canyon. I kinda wanted it to last longer. Except for the starving sensation my belly was giving me. We came home to at least 6 inches of snow on the ground. It's still falling. Its beautiful and I love it. It's the world at its best.

Lazy Days

Sometimes I don't feel very good. There is a small percentage of women that have morning sickness their entire pregnancy...somehow I am falling into that small percentage. And most of the time I get crazy about it. Just the other day I was grumpy about it when Derek asked me what was wrong. Here was my reply...

I feel sick all the time so I don't do anything. The house gets more dirty but I don't feel like cleaning it. But then I get crazy because it is so dirty. Then I start to clean it but the mess makes me sick.

Fun cycle hu? He laughed at my crazy:)

Besides being sick I am tired a lot too! So I don't like that Peyson thinks he should wake up at 5:00 in the morning...or 6:00...or even 6:30. Last night I slept great...only had to wake up once to go to the bathroom, but had to eat at that time too. So annoying. I slept so good that I didn't hear Peyson turn on the living room light. That is how he tells us it's time to wake up. The light was already on at 7:12 when I woke up. He was in the bathroom washing his hands. It's kind of his obsession! Why was he washing his hands? Cuz he smeared desitin all over:) On any normal day I would have gone off the deep end waking up to such a mess so "early" in the morning. But today I surprised myself. As I was cleaning up his masterpiece we just sat and talked...me and Peyson. It was cute. That is when I knew it would be a good day.(every once in a long while I have a little bit of patience)

Right now Peyson is watching PBS Kids online. I am blogging. I jumped some links and found some great new blogs I've never read before...now they are on my sidebar. Mothers talking about being mothers. This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Here are some thoughts I have sometimes:

*Why does my husband work all the time?(he often reminds me that any career would require him gone from 9-5...DARN!)
*Some days moms have a crappy job...diapers...messes...more messes...cleaning and more cleaning...not getting dressed or even brushing your hair in a day...whiny kids that forgot how to talk normal...and no husband to help with it all(because he works from 9-5:) )
*Who am I? Besides a mom and a wife? Where is the me part aside from the mom and wife part?
*Why am I so tired and sick all the time?
*Two kids? Eeek!
*Did Peyson eat breakfast?(he doesn't eat for a while after he wakes up...but I do...so we don't eat together...)
*What should we do today?
*So sick of tv, tv and more tv...but what would we do if we didn't have tv?
*No I am not doing dishes today!

I want to be a good mom. And I want my babies to know that I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! But sometimes I realize that I can't just tell them. I have to show them. And I don't think I do that very often. Sometimes when I feel smothered and need a break Derek will comment...He just loves his mommy so much. And I think...I don't know why...all I ever do is tell him NO! But somehow...he does love me. So for months I have been working on understanding him a little bit better. Understanding that he is 2. He has lots of energy. He kinda likes me. He is still learning everything. And when he is naughty...it's not just to make me mad. It's just that he is learning. So to be fair to him, I try every single stinkin day to be somebody worth loving. If my little boy can love the monster in me, maybe I should give him a better me to love.

So today, while he is munching on crackers and squirty cheese, and while I am blogging, I look over at him and watch him and love him so deeply. And I smile. And I wonder...how can a crazy like me be so blessed with an angel like him? I don't deserve his sweet spirit. Some day I hope I can be the mom HE deserves. I am trying every day.

While I read the words of other mothers, I feel inspired. I know that mothering is hard. Real hard. But no other lifestyle could bring such simple pleasures so often as being a mother. So when I am reminded of the treasures I get to experience every day I remember why I chose being a mother as my lifestyle. It is important. It is exhausting. It is fun. It is not fun. It is a little bit of heaven. And I am so grateful that the children we are blessed with are ever forgiving and loving and perfect. I get lots of chances to get it right.

On this lazy day I think we will get up off our bums and go play in the snow. It's time to go love my baby!

24

Yesterday was my twenty-four week check up. Total downer...I laughed a lot so I wouldn't cry. I always hate stepping on the scale...because darn it, the numbers just keep getting bigger! I am five pounds away from my heaviest weight and I still have the big growing months ahead of me. I am consistently gaining 6 pounds every four weeks and it's all going to my butt and thighs. I'm not the only one measuring big though. This little girl is big too! Two weeks big. Yikes!

I know everybody thinks that pregnancy is a great excuse for getting fat and eating as much as you want. But that just means there's so much more to work off when it ends. In the mean time...it's not doing good things for my self image or self esteem.

I have always been the skinny girl. I used to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and never gained a single ounce that actually would have been healthy for me. When I was a sophomore in high school I was ecstatic when I finally reached 100 pounds. Once in the girls locker room a girl told me I was so skinny I looked sick. It may not seem so, but that comment hurt a lot and made me more self conscious than every before. It wasn't my fault I couldn't gain weight, but being skinny...even scrawny...was who I was. It was what I knew.

I eventually reached a healthy weight after I got married and was happy with that too. When I was pregnant with Peyson I was shocked at the 44 pounds I gained...and a little disappointed when it didn't just fall off when I had him. When Peyson was 1 I still had 15 pounds to go and started running. It came off and I felt good. I looked good. But then one of the medications I was on for PTC put those 15 pounds back on and there it stayed until I got pregnant again.

So because of my total disgust of maternity pants, I am left with regular jeans that are long enough, however, much bigger in size than I have ever had to wear. I know it has to fit over my baby belly, but that's not the only area that is oversized and still growing. I realize that gaining weight is part of the game...and everybody goes through it...but this time around it's really making me feel gross. Real. Gross.

Everything else at the appointment looked good. Next month I do the glucose test. I dread seeing what the scale will tell me at the next visit. I can only imagine how fast it will take me to get to 200. And I hope the pair of jeans I just bought will be the last I will have to buy...and as soon as I am able...I'll be hitting the pavement until it's all gone.

Oh the things it takes to bring these angels to us. While I sit inside this body of mine, and feel ick about how I look, I feel this little girl moving inside of me and wonder what she is doing, what she will look like, who she will be, what she will grow to become. And then I smile. And somehow in this messed up process we call multiplying and replenishing, all the self destruction disappears and everything is ok. Beautiful in fact!

Happy

So since the time change Peyson thinks it's time to wake up at 6:00 every morning. And since I have been pregnant, the first trimester no funs haven't gone away. This leaves me sleeping in at least past 8:00...NOT waking up by 7:00...which is what I have been doing all this week. Totally exhausting. But yesterday we cleaned and cleaned, and.......cleaned some more. I looked at the clock and it was only 10:00. ONLY 10:00! Peyson has been sick this week too so I haven't wanted to take him anywhere. But yesterday I had to get out. His toddler stage is particularly WHINY and I am extremely impatient with it. (That whole sentence is a huge understatement!) I needed to get out of the house. So we went to Joann's to get some fabric to make a quilt for baby Ainslee. I'm really excited about that! Then we went to the mall. Remember when I bought some fat pants like a month ago? Well they didn't last long! I needed some more. Maurices never disappoints and I had coupons so I headed straight there. And get this...I found pants...they look cute...well as cute as they can with my ever growing behind...and the best part...they were only $2. Chaching! If it weren't for the size of those babies that alone would have made my day! (Lets just say this pregnancy is doing wonders for the self esteem)

We went to motherhood maternity next. I don't know why I even bother...still...maternity clothes make me nauseated. No lie. On our way out we stopped at Vanity. This is my favorite store...but the sales aren't that great and I'm fat so their clothes just don't work for me right now. So here is where my mind is at this point...I've been up since 7:00, I've cleaned all morning, Peyson is trying my patience...which I don't have to begin with, we left the house in hopes of it getting better, but I just set myself up for more stress by venturing to the mall with a 2 year old, I just bought some huge pants to fit around my huge behind-not cool even if they were only $2, and my favorite store has nothing for me to get excited about. Sounds thrilling right? But while I was in there I couldn't help but focus on the music that was playing. (I love the mall radio stations!) I recognized Natasha Bedingfield singing, who I absolutely love. It was a song I have never heard so I listened to the words, which I never do. I made it a point to remember what seemed to be the title of the song so I could look it up and read the words again. That's what I did today.

Wanna hear?

This is the chorus:
Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there's so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

But I think my favorite part is this:
any day I'll go bad thinking bad
everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
preparing to battle an enemy unseen
during my stressing I'm blinded to the lesson
that could be a blessing if I'd be confessing that the enemy
I'm trying to beat is hiding inside of me

Amid the thoughts that clutter my mind, I think a lot about who I am, but also who I want to be. Sometimes we should embrace who we are and make the best of it...but what if who we are isn't good? What if change is better? This song made me realize that with everything I have been feeling, during my shopping trip yesterday, and even the day to day crazy of being a mother of a toddler, I have the choice to make it amazing. I need to stop and see that even when my toddler is out of control and giving me a head ache...:)...at least I have a toddler to make me laugh, to make me change, to make me love like I could in no other way. When I am feeling sick, which is a lot...at least I am able to carry a child inside of me, feel her kicking, and dream of what she will be like some day. When I am feeling fat...at least I have the physical ability to run it off...after the baby is here. I have the ability inside of me to be whatever I want to be. I can choose to wallow in self pity, which I will admit happens all too often, OR I can choose to embrace the trials that are really blessings.

So you see...my stressful adventure to the mall helped me see what is inside of me. And I can change. I can be happy!