Why Would You Do It On Purpose?

Before I start, I must say how grateful I am for having 3 comparatively speaking wonderful weeks. To me and my battle with my health condition...they were amazing. To a normal healthy person...they were at best...fair. Regardless, I was able to enjoy myself, I was able to play with Peyson, I was functioning and able to feel happiness. I was nearly...mostly...head ache free. It was fantastic.

After Monday when I spoke with my doctor about continuing my medication I crashed. In my mind, the news didn't register as something I needed to stress about. But my body was seemingly convinced otherwise. Maybe doctors orders were what triggered the pain to return...but for a few days before I felt as though the pain was back and the medication was no longer effective. It's a little depressing to think this is my step back in the dance to recovery.

I was talking with Derek about the situation and he thought that maybe if I once again tried my first medication in its natural course of three days, that I could enjoy a short time of health. So today I tried it. I took my usual dose of Lexapro along with my old dose of Acetazolamide. Both Derek and our fabulous friend, Kandis, the pharmacist checked for any adverse effects that might take place with mixing the two drugs. There were none.

So we are sitting in Sunday School and a girl had on this beautiful but extremely bright fuscia shirt. I looked at it and immediately got very dizzy. I put my head down on my lap and my mouth and hands started to tingle. I realized those were the side effects I experienced while taking Acetazolamide. I could deal with that, but it didn't stop there. I started to feel extremely jittery and couldn't hold still. I was tapping my feet and couldn't control it. My hands felt like they were twitching...but they weren't moving. I felt completely out of control. Ok...I may have OCD...but seriously I was going insane with the loss of control over my body. I started to get very upset and started crying because of it. Peyson was brought to me in need of a diaper change, as I got up my feet were so shaky I thought I might fall over. As we transitioned from Sunday School to Relief Society I became very angry for absolutely no reason. A friend of mine tried to talk to me and I'm not even sure how I acted...but I feel like I totally blew her off. I sat near the back door for an easy escape if needed. I was sick to my stomach and everything was so distracting...yet I was in my own little world of nothingness. My brain wasn't working...but I was aware of the things around me. It was by far the worst experience I have had in terms of what can happen when any substance is ingested.

It makes me wonder what the obsessive thrill is to allow oneself to be controlled by any addictive substance, and to experience it over and over, just waiting to do it again. I have never experienced the desire to search for a "high" nor have I ever been so. But just from the experiences I have had...I can't understand why you would do this on purpose? Today I can honestly say I felt like an insane person in need of desperate help. Thankfully a few hours of this insanity was all I had to bare.

Note to self...do NOT mix medications...EVER!